Jack's Big Honkin' Invention
by sueKay-04
Summary: Jack's smarter than SG1 think! Set in season 45. Some hints of SJ ship.
1. Jack? Equations? Never!

Hey there!

I started writing this years ago, but stopped a few chapters in...Since then I've left school and nearly completed a degree, all while suffering from creative writer's block.

But I'm going to give this story another chance, so I hope you'll stick with me...and I hope my muse sticks with me too!

Synopsis: Jack's smarter than SG1 think!

Set in season 4 or 5, with allusions to Sam/Jack ship.

**Jack? Equations? Never!**

Daniel was walking along a corridor inside Cheyenne Mountain. It was one of those very dull, dreary, dismal days on the base. He had no new work, and his eyes were strained from trying to decipher an Ancient tablet from a recent mission. Rubbing the bridge of his nose, he turned a corner on Level 26 past Jack's rarely used (if ever) office. Daniel heard an odd 'clicking' noise - typing. Slowly, he opened the door, and was amazed by what he saw...

Colonel Jonathan 'Jack' 'Dumb ass' O'Neill was typing out a brand new 'Carter-worthy' equation.

Daniel's eyes popped out of his head at the sight. Once again, he peered at the screen. He still couldn't make heads or tails of what he was reading. Jack hadn't heard him, so he crept closer, hoping for a better view. Nope, it still didn't make sense. Realising that he had nothing to lose. He began to speak.

"Hi Jack!"

"Whaa!" Jack yelped, jumping out of his seat. He turned to see Daniel.

"Shit! Daniel! You gave me a heart attack! What the hell are you doing here?"

"I heard typing."

Jack quickly regained his composure quickly, but jumped back, using his butt to cover the computer screen.

"Oh! I was just...you know...bored...mucking around...the usual stuff."

"Right." Said an unconvinced Daniel. "Was that Calculus or something?"

"Uh...I was just typing out all the symbols...for fun you know...nothing technical."

"It looked like an equation to me."

"Well it wasn't!"

"Hmm..." Daniel paused, thinking of a new tactic before Jack changed the subject.

"I liked your creative use of the lambda symbol." Daniel said.

"Hey! I only used it three...I mean...What's lamb - da?" Jack responded, sounding out each syllable of the last word.

"Sure Jack...I believe you." With that, Daniel turned and exited the lab.

* * *

Sam Carter and Sergeant Siler were underneath a motorbike. Both were caked in oil and engine fluid, and both were pissed off.

Sam's bike had died.

"Sorry Major. She just didn't have enough energy for another 140kph lap."

"Damn...Look Siler...thanks for helping me try to fix her."

"Any time."

"Do you any good junkyards I could sell her to?"

"I'll do some checking."

"Thanks. See you later."

"Bye Major."

Siler turned and exited Sam's lab, leaving a little oily trail. As he turned along the corridor, he saw Daniel.

"Hey Daniel."

"Hey...Siler." He said questioningly as he saw the oil.

"Hey..." He trailed off as he saw a slightly oiled, disheveled Air Force Major scowling at him. "Sam?"

"My bike died."

"Oh...I'm sorry."

"Thanks."

Seeing that something was troubling the archaeologist, she quickly added, "What's up?"

"Well...um...it's about Jack."

"Right?"

"Well...Do you know what qualifications you need to become a Colonel?"

"No...with my dad being a General and me already having my college degree I never really needed to. I've done most of my post grad work with the Air Force."

"Cool...so no idea about Jack's then?"

"None. Do you have any ideas?"

"All I know is that to become a Colonel, you need at least a Masters Degree or a PhD."

"Colonel O'Neill has a Masters or a PhD?!" said Sam in shock.

"Yeah."

"That's news...What's the sudden fascination with the Colonel's resume?" she inquired.

"Well...um...Earlier I was walking past Jack's lab, I hears typing. I sneaked in and saw him typing up one MASSIVE equation...I cornered him and asked him what he was doing and he said he was just mucking about."

"And..."

"And then I complimented his use of lambda."

"What happened?"

"His exact response was - "I only used it three...I mean...what's Lamb - da?""

"He knew what you were talking about?"

"Yep...He's up to something."

"Go get Teal'c?"

"Yeah. Let's go!"

"You claim you saw O'Neill typing up a scientific equation?" Teal'c questioned Daniel. 

"Yeah."

"Something is indeed wrong...Should we not investigate further?"

"That's what we're gonna do. Staring off with a direct confrontation."

"If that doesn't work...then we'll offer to but him the new Simpsons box set." Added Sam.

"If our plan includes the Simpsons we should be victorious."

Sam smiled at Teal'c's comment.

"Right." Daniel began, getting back to the task at hand. "What we're gonna do is watch the Colonel until he leaves the base. Then we'll wait for half hour."

"Why an additional half-hour?" inquired Teal'c.

"So we can catch him doing whatever he's doing." Sam explained.

"What shall we call this operation Major Carter?"

Sam considered Teal's question. "Operation Jackass! Let's go!"


	2. The Baking Basement

I have to say thank you for all of the feedback!!!

Thank you to Tokragirl, Emma13, Bizzy Lizzy, Mara Jade, Dark Jedi Queen, K, Angie B, CapriceAnn Hedican-Kocur, Quick Demon, Agentx05 - thank you for the lambda tips!, Mishy Mo -thank you for Beta-ing (this was only the third piece of fic I ever wrote!), Shelsfc, hpsauce87, Mallorvorwen, Aligater, Queen of Fairyland, Meghan, Monna - don't worry - all will be explained, Jetsuo RT, Sci Fi fan Gillian, Dottid and Macisgate!

Whew! I feel loved!!!

This story will be getting a bit wacky, and may require a leap of faith for all tech experts (I'm a bit dumb)

* * *

**The Baking Basement**

Sam and Daniel feigned being busy for Jack's normal random visits throughout the afternoon, while Teal'c sat in the CCTV room. Yep, it may be the most technologically advanced base on the planet, but they still had trusty Closed Circuit Television. Teal'c watched O'Neill intently. His CO was now writing another equation and some crystal diagrams on the board, and the squeaking and screeching of the chalk was grating on Teal'c. He hoped O'Neill would leave soon.

Sam was sitting in her lab. Coffee in one hand, blue Jello in the other. She was humming along to a tune on the radio, and for once, was indulging in doing absolutely nothing. Her radio crackled and hissed and then she heard Teal'c's voice.

"Colonel O'Neill has left the base."

"Thanks Teal'c wait there and I'll get Daniel."

Moving to the sink, she tipped out the remnants of coffee, but kept her Jello as she made her way out of her lab.

* * *

As she approached Daniel's lab, she heard soft snoring. Sam slowly walked up, and, unable to resist the urge, shouted in his ear. 

"Daniel! Daniel! The Goa'uld are coming!"

"What? What? Shit! Goa'uld!" He screamed, jumping to his feet. He heard stifled giggling and staggered round.

"Sam!"

"I couldn't help myself. Sorry!" She smirked, "The Colonel's left the base."

"Oh...right!"

Half an hour later, a vintage car - with a dead motorbike strapped to it's back - pulled up at Jack's house. Daniel and Teal'c were first out.

"There appear to be no lights on." Stated Teal'c as Sam followed them up to the door.

"The basement light's on."

Sam stepped up and chapped on Jack's door. She jumped back, when she heard a loud 'popping' noise. Daniel looked to the basement window, and hear a faint "woo ho!" noise coming from the air vent, followed by a puff of smoke. Teal'c started towards the basement, but was called back by Sam.

"Colonel O'Neill told us no-one was allowed in his basement at all."

"Why?" asked Teal'c.

"We don't know, but we should keep trying the door." Said Daniel.

Sam once again knocked the door - nothing. She then knocked the door - nothing. Then she started hammering the door, before hearing a muffled "For crying out loud! Wait a second!"

Sam, Daniel and Teal'c waited patiently for their CO. They could hear clattering and cursing, crashing and clanging. Finally, the hall light went on and the door opened.

"Evening kids!" Jack chirped Nervously.

He was met by silence and open-jawed shock, as his fellow team members took in the sight before them.

Colonel Jonathan 'Jack' O'Neill (two l's), maybe a Master or a PhD, stood barefoot on his porch. He was wearing a once-white now-grey lab coat. He wore goggles over his eyes and both them and his face were covered in soot. He removed the goggles and placed them on his head, revealing a clean area around his brown eyes. His goggles sat on his forehead surrounded by shocked-straight soot covered hair.

"H-hi sir." Questioned Sam.

"Uh...Slight mishap with Cassie's birthday cake."

"You make in your basement O'Neill?"

"Uh...yeah."

"Was it not Cassandra Frasier's birthday a week past Friday?"

At this, Jack stood silent for a moment.

"So what are you all doing here?"

"What's lambda?" asked Sam

"I...uh...Oh that...A letter in the Greek alphabet?"

"Yes. What else?" Daniel asked.

"It's used in technobabble...stuff."

"What...stuff?" Teal'c enquired.

"it's uh...to do with...waves?"

"What waves?"

"Radio ones."

"Right." Stated Sam levelling a deadly stare at Jack. "What's your Masters in _Jack_?" said Sam, emphasising her CO's name.

"What?"

"Or do you have a PhD?" said Daniel.

"Daniel!?"

"Well sir. You know my qualifications, you know Daniel's qualifications. It seems only fair that you tell us yours."

"Fine..." Jack sighed in resignation, "On top of my two Air Force Degrees, I have degrees in Quantum Mechanics and Particle Physics."

His team stood still, once again in shock.

"Well you wanted to know didn't yo-" He shut up when he noticed the murderous glint in his 2IC's eyes.

"You...you. All these years I have struggled on my own doing all of the technical stuff, when you're just as qualified...Damn you!...sir." She yelled.

"Sorry Carter. Jack murmured sheepishly. "Well you'd best come in and see my project."


	3. A Tangible Shock!

Thanks to jmcqk6, James E Bond, dumdrak, Mara Jade, Executor Zurg, Bladeswin, Seanait, darthliger, Lydia2, Commodore Norrington, Sam and SeedC for the reviews!

* * *

**A Tangible Shock!**

Sam, Daniel and Teal'c felt apprehensive as they descended the stairs to Jack's basement. The smell of smoke clung to Sam's nostrils, and she heard the whoop of one of Daniel's sneezes.

"Don't worry Danny boy…I've got a box of tissues around here somewhere."

A moment later, and the quartet reached the large room. Sam took in the chaos. It was mass of wires and bits of computers and all sorts of technological delights. She also noticed with some alarm, that Jack also had several guitars hanging up on one wall.

"Love what you've done with the place." Daniel said sarcastically. "What have you been doing to get this place in such a state."

"I've been working on something."

"What?"

"Patience patience!"

Jack made his way over to one of the larger computer fragments, and pulled something out of one of his pockets.

"This, kids, is a cross section of a Tok'ra tunnel crystal…I kinda pinched two crystals when we were at their base and it was attacked…I use these to program my invention."

"Invention?" SG1 chorused.

"Yup…watch!"

Jack put the crystal back in his pocket and set about clearing the centre of the room. Before long the walls were stacked up with modems and hard drives and Sam spotted a server or two! Now Jack took out the crystal section again and returned to the computer. He placed the section on some sort of metallic pad attached to the computer, before he walked to the other corners of the room and turned on what looked like a series of projectors. There was one in each corner as well as one in the centre of each wall. Jack then returned to the computer and brought up a schematic. After a second, Jack brought up a page of computer code. Sam peered intently at the coding.

"Is that CSS sir?" She said with a measure of incredulity.

"Nope…but they do look similar and they're both as easy to work out. The crystal is encoded with another type of computer code that I've developed and the two types of coding work together in the same way as say CSS and HTML."

Daniel blinked. "Huh?"

"I'll explain it later." Jack and Sam said at the same time.

"Uhm…anyway…" Jack continued. "in the same way as DIV Ids tell a designer where the various CSS elements are going to display on the HTML page…the PRO Ids do the same with the projectors attached to the device…After I brought the crystal home, I dissected it, and discovered that the crystals are lifeforms…sort of like say coral…These tiny little creatures move in and about the remains of the other dead creatures and act as synapses or relays within the structure. I found that it was easy to in a sense…programme these creatures to stream a computer code between them. I could also…'tell' them what to do, and in turn, they could tell the projectors what to do, making the programming adaptive…they mutated the original code to a degree of sophistication I can't understand, but the effect was exactly what I was looking for…watch."

Jack hit a key on the keyboard, and an image of a Stargate came up on screen. Jack then flicked a switch next to the crystal pad, and SG1 watched in amazement as the image of a miniature Stargate appeared in the middle of the room. What was more amazing, was that not only was image 3D, but it rotated and was tangible, as Jack reached out and touched it.

"The combination of the codes, the projectors and the key element - the crystals, combine to do the impossible…with our human understanding of projectors, we can't make them project 3D, but add in the crystals and program them with coding containing a string telling them to do just that, and the projectors will do the impossible…make a tangible 3D image of anything. Add in another type of coding with schematics on how the item works, and the projection becomes a working model."

Jack turned off the projection, before head picked up a small TV that was hiding beneath the clutter. He then brought it to near the centre of the room, before he plugged it in. He returned to the computer and punched in another few keys. This time, a DVD player appeared in the middle of the room. Jack went over and plugged the 'player' into the mains, before hooking it up to the TV. He then scurried upstairs and returned moments later with a Simpsons DVD. He then put the disk into the 'player' and pressed play. Sam, Daniel and Teal'c were amazed.

"Wow…I wow!" Daniel said.

"Jack this is incredible!" Sam said in awe. "What do you call it?"

"I call it…the Holodeck!"


	4. Patenting Problems

Hey there!

Thanks to feb04, SeedC, FanFicForever, SG-Fan, Malaskor, Sci Fi Fan Gillian, Mishy Mo, Seanait, frizzyhead, Equinox-SGC and Pickles12 for the reviews!

* * *

**Patenting Problems...**

Jack and Sam watched as Daniel and Teal'c retreated down Jack's garden path before closing the door.

"Wanna have a look at it again Carter?" Jack asked.

"Sure sir."

A few moments later, they were back in Jack's basement.

"I'm going to get in contact with the patents office and get this idea patented. Then I'm gonna find a distributor and-"

"Sir…There are a few big problems we need to work through first."

"How?"

"Well…" Sam began, walking forward to look at the computer. "You can't call it the Holodeck."

"Why not?"

"Because Paramount will have the rights to the name."

"…good point."

"Secondly…How are you going to explain the crystal element without compromising the SGC's secrecy."

"Oy…is that strike 2 or 3?"

Sam sat down on one of the chairs scattered around the room. "There's no question that this is a miraculous invention…but for the time being…I don't see a commercial application…It might be a human invention, but it's alien technology."

"You're right." Jack said, defeat in his tone as he sat on the ground next to Sam's chair.

"It's also out-of-the-blue."

"Really?" Jack feigned innocence.

"You've gone on about how thick you are for so long, you had us all convinced! And now you're suddenly a computer whiz who dissects things in his basement!"

"Strike 3?"

"Yeah."

"…sorry."

"Why all the secrecy? Why this charade?"

"It's simple really…"

"Not simple enough Jack."

"Major…"

"Sorry…Colonel."

Jack sighed, peering up at one of the tiny window that permit light to get into his basement.

"Long story short…I was always known as the 'smart one' in Special Ops and was getting sick of always being the one to do the math…after I got a concussion on a mission…I took the opportunity to pretend I'd 'lost' my mathematical ability-"

"So you put on the dumb routine-"

"-and I never took it off until today."

The pair sat in amicable silence for a few moments.

"Wish I'd thought of that one sir."

"Really?"

"Yeah…I love my work…but sometimes I'd far rather be doing my own work than what I get given…like you've done with this project."

"Hmm…yeah…I see what you mean."

Sam smiled sheepishly, before turning back to the subject at hand.

"Right…now…How about we figure out how we can get this invention patent ready."

"I dunno Carter…I'd love to but…It's so much work."

"Well…let's get started…there's no time like the present!"

Daniel and Teal'c were enjoying their walk through the suburbs of Colorado Springs. They walked in amicable silence, until Daniel began to speak.

"I can't believe Jack's invention."

"Indeed. It is a cause of great surprise to me Daniel Jackson."

"I mean…it's not only _an_ invention…but an invention that could change the face of technology today!"

"How so?"

"Well…you imagine…People go out and buy individual things…TVs…cookers…toasters…you get the idea…Imagine if all you had to do was to buy Jack's invention…and buy the programs for the different items you needed…no waste…and it'd take up less space…It'd revolutionize the world!"

"Indeed…Even the Goa'uld did not possess this technology."

"I need a drink."

"Indeed. I believe it is Happy Hour at O'Malley's. There is also live entertainment."

"I wouldn't call karaoke 'entertainment' and I wouldn't call some of the participants 'live' either."

Daniel turned round to see Teal'c's smirk, but found none. Instead his gold-emblemed friend was fixed on a poster.

"Teal'c?"

Daniel decided to read the poster.

'Colorado State Invention Contest. Enter your idea here! Lots of prizes to be won, including a 'no-questions-asked' Patent and one million dollars for the winner!'

"Hello...?"


End file.
